A between-session practice

The Four Horsemen: Conflict Patterns & Repair

Notice criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling in one difficult interaction, understand what is underneath, and practice a healthier response.

Your answers stay in this browser tab unless you choose to download them.

Doing this as a couple? Complete the reflection separately on your own devices. When you are finished, save or print your reflections and bring them to your next therapy session. The goal is not to compare who is “worse,” but to notice your own part of the conflict pattern.

Step 1 · Notice

Choose one manageable moment.

Think of a recent disagreement you can reflect on without becoming overwhelmed. You do not need to solve the whole relationship here.

Pause if needed. Choose a smaller moment if this brings up fear, danger, or intense distress. This exercise is not meant for situations involving threats, coercion, or abuse.

What happened?Describe observable facts—as if a camera recorded the moment. What did you say, do, or feel pulled to say?It is okay to write the unfiltered version.

Step 2 · Recognize

Which pattern showed up?

Select the closest fit. More than one can appear in the same interaction; for this practice, choose the pattern you most want to change.

CriticismAttacking character instead of naming a specific behavior: “You always…” or “You never…” ContemptCommunicating superiority or disrespect through sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, or eye-rolling. DefensivenessProtecting yourself through excuses, counterattacks, or making the entire problem the other person’s fault. StonewallingShutting down, tuning out, or withdrawing when you feel emotionally or physically overwhelmed.

Step 3 · Understand

What was happening underneath?

The pattern is not your identity. It is often a fast attempt to protect something vulnerable or important.

What feelings were present?Choose any that fit.

Another feeling What did you need, hope for, or want understood? How activated did you feel?

GroundedFlooded

Step 4 · Replace

Try a different move.

The goal is not to erase your frustration. It is to express it in a way that makes understanding and repair more possible.

Draft the important parts first.

Step 5 · Rehearse

Rewrite the moment in your own voice.

Aim for honest and recognizable—not perfectly polished.

What I originally said or wanted to say

The healthier direction

My revised response

Step 6 · Prepare

Make it easier to remember.

A small, specific plan is more usable than a promise to “communicate better.”

The earliest sign I can notice is…A thought, body sensation, tone of voice, or repeated phrase. When I notice it, I will… What would you like help exploring in your next session?Optional

Your reflection

You practiced a new direction.

Change begins with noticing the pattern a little sooner—not with getting every conversation right.

Remember: This reflection is for learning, not for deciding who is right or wrong. Bring anything that felt difficult or unfinished into your next therapy session.